Hi there, hello.
I hope that this post finds you all in a place of peace, calm and happiness. My wish for you all, is that you live in a state of mind that has evaded me for quite some time now. I took quite the hiatus, didn’t I?
Life has been…well, I won’t lie to you all. It’s been pretty terrible lately.
I don’t mean to sound dramatic, really I don’t. It seems that more often than not I come to you all when I’m in the mood to vent, or whine, or maybe even bleed my heart all over the place. That’s healthy right?
Hmm, maybe not. However, it happens. I try to set up a schedule to stick to. It works for awhile. Then life gets in my writer writing ways and…
…back to not writing for what seems like forever.
Stress, anxiety, lack of motivation, dealing with death and mortality, my attention being poured into something that does not fulfill my dreams. Yup, those all build up and factor into why I have had such a severe case of writer’s block in recent months. My novels sit untouched. This blog has sat gathering dust, along with zero views. Emails go unanswered. Work piles up to a breaking point. My passions are like bad words spoken out loud in front of your parents at a single digit age. I embarrass myself with thoughts of following dreams, as adult burdens of responsibilities stand in the way of fully throwing myself into them at the moment. And, none of this Really matters too much to anyone…
Except myself. And, well, maybe my wife. ‘Cause she’s all supportive and stuff. She’s pretty great.
So, in all that rambling I’ve come here to tell you all a little something. I’m trying to speak those dreams into existence. To do that, I think I have to back track a little and bring you up to speed on something. Ever since I was a child I’ve been afraid of tools. Afraid to work with power tools, manual tools, all tools because I associated them most with my father. My father was a man I feared for an unreasonable amount of years. At the same time, below that fear lay a fascination that grew. My father created wooden pieces that my mom would then paint. My grandfather did the same for my grandmother. My great grandfather created wonderful wooden pieces as well. It was as though it coursed through my veins.
But damnit… I am a girl.
At 36 years old I am finally coming to the realization that I need to live beyond the social constructs that exist for gender norms. For so many years I suppressed so many aspects of who I am.
In my head I hear things like: “You’ll never be as good of a writer as your brother.” “You’ll never create as beautiful art as your mother.” “You’ll never turn a piece of wood into something as useful as your grandfather or great grandfather.” I will step out of the shadows of my fears. Even though it’s far brighter out of the shadows, and a bit scary, I need to do this for so many reasons.
One of those reasons is I recently lost my father-in-law very suddenly. That man who was so kind, so supportive, so loving despite his own demons, and he was taken from this world far too soon. On several occasions I backed down from talking to my father-in-law about my dreams because of timing, embarrassment of skills, and other procrastination issues that I have.
And because of those reasons… I never got the chance to talk to him about something I’d dreamed of doing for years. Something my wife and I had begun talking, for months now, about how we could make me being a Maker happen. I kept putting it off, not really knowing how he’d react. At the same time though, I knew. Deep down I knew he would pull me into a big hug and begin telling me all his knowledge of building and creating without hesitation. But I didn’t get the chance to have his guidance on this. It’s a regret I will have to live with now.
I have a few of those. What’s one more?
Despite death, and regrets (or maybe in spite of them) life is always galloping forward. It feels like you have to keep a steady run going just to see it off in the distance, squinting at the sun as you try to stay out of the shadows.
It’s safe in the shadows. But unfulfilling.
I need to stay out of the shadows. I will be a Maker. I will be a writer. I will be the best version of me.
I hope you stick around for the ride. I’m running now. The shadows are licking my heels but I’ll be damned if I let them win.